Lent Exercises: Trial - A Story of Love, Fear, and Shame
Adapted from Wait With Me; Meeting God in Loneliness.
John 18:15-27 tells the story of Peter’s denial of Jesus during Jesus’ trial by the religious authorities.[1]
By separating Peter’s denials with the story of Jesus’ trial before the high priest, John is inviting his readers to use the ‘outside’ (Peter’s denial) to interpret the ‘inside’ (Jesus’ trial) and vice versa. Over-familiarity with this story can clouded our vision, keeping us from seeing the trial and denial to be thematically intertwined.
Imagine yourself watching Peter come into the courtyard, let in by that disciple, “known to the high priest.”[2] Peter’s there only because his fellow disciple, a man the high priest knows, lets him in. The relational connections carry over into the woman’s question at the gate. Of course, she’d ask if he was also a disciple… the one asking for him to be let in was a disciple. Being a disciple of Jesus was not a crime. Even though Jesus was being questioned for his teaching and actions, the act of being his disciple was at best a poor association, not a punishable crime. It would have been natural for Jesus to have some of his disciples come to his trial as witnesses on his behalf.
Now imagine the dynamic Jon is unfolding. No one’s coming to Jesus’ defense. Allow that to sit with you.
Jesus’ testimony before the high priest opens the floor for testimony. “Ask those who heard what I said,”[3] is Jesus’ defense. In my mind’s eye, I see Jesus looking up at Peter and his other disciple. They know what Jesus taught. They were with him night and day. Jesus’ words cry out for someone to say, “I heard what Jesus taught, question me.” Instead, there is silence and violence.
The scene moves again to Peter. People in the crowd ask him if he was a disciple. One even asks if he didn’t see Peter in the garden with Jesus. Peter denies everything.
How is it that every year, when we hear this story, we never consider that Peter was in a position to testify on Jesus’ behalf? How is it that we justify Peter’s actions as understandable self-protection? It wasn’t. The disciple known to the high priest was in no danger, why should Peter have been? How could both of them had stayed quiet as their friend and rabbi sat in front of them asking for a witness? How could Peter lie in the face of people who recognized him?
I imagine Jesus looking at me. “Ask those who heard…,” he says. I am riveted to his gaze. I’ve heard Jesus’ teaching since I was small. Jesus is speaking directly to me in his moment of need, and my legs are stuck to the ground, I can’t speak, paralyzed by shame.
Jesus’ gaze continues to pierce my heart, and I begin to imagine his grief. Imagine staring into the face of your best friends, in your moment of need, knowing that one word could change your suffering, and watch them lie and deny even knowing you. Sure, we’ve had people lie to and about us, but nothing like that. The depth of Jesus’ suffering is so profound.
I’d have been crushed by this kind of betrayal. My love, mixed with need, would have rapidly turned to spite and hatred, but Jesus’ eyes are not filled with disgust. They are filled with love.
What do you want to say to Jesus as he looks at you with love?
Want to take your Holy Week even deeper? Check out the latest episode of InterVarsity’s After IV Podcast where Jon Steele and I discuss Good Friday, Holy Saturday, Resurrection Sunday, and the Easter Season.