Lent Exercises: Friendship - Reversing Compassion for Friendship with God.
Adapted from Wait With Me: Meeting God in Loneliness.
We sat in silence my face full of questions. His eyes focused, not on me, but on the small crucifix in the corner of the room. Inside my mind raced. What had I missed? Does he think I’m making progress? What question should I be asking?
When I noticed him noticing the crucifix my internal monologue slowed down a bit. Friar Ugo took a deep breath. “Jason, it’s clear to me that you want to love Jesus,” he said. “I do!” I said, surprised by his saying, “want to”. “Tell me,” he continued, “how can you love someone you don’t really know?” Now I was offended. Who was this old man to insinuate that I didn’t know Jesus? My whole life and ministry oriented around knowing Jesus, wasn’t it?
Friar Ugo seemed to notice my discomfort. “I have no doubt of the sincerity of your commitment to Jesus,” he said, “but, to know someone is to enter into their story, to grow your compassion and empathy for them and their experience.” He paused. “You describe your prayer life and reflection on scripture as though the point is for Jesus to empathize with you.” He was right. I’d loved seeing Jesus’ compassion for the marginal in the gospels. I often imagined myself as the woman caught in adultery, the prodigal son, the leper. In Jesus’ compassion, I’d felt hopeful. I’d think, “Jesus sees me, in my sin, isolation, or fear, and he comes to me in it.”
Friar Ugo smiled, “I’m glad for the consolation you feel as you enter imagine the scriptures, but I don’t think that’s the point. What if the loneliness that drives you to seek consolation was meant to expand your heart in compassion for Jesus?” He paused again. “You can’t love someone you don’t know… and you only know someone whose experience you’re willing to enter into with empathy and compassion.”
Something clicked. Friar Ugo wasn’t denying my faith, my commitment to Jesus, or even the affection for Jesus that energized my spiritual practice. He was inviting me to love Jesus, for Jesus’ sake, not for mine. I suddenly began to see my life with God differently. Years of ministry and bible study had amassed robust knowledge about Jesus. Years of devotion fueled commitment to Jesus. But, what about friendship with Jesus?
I thought about the song, “What a Friend we have in Jesus.” It suddenly struck me how odd the word ‘friendship’ is to describe the relationship depicted in the song.
What a friend we have in Jesus,
All our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
Everything to God in prayer!
Oh, what peace we often forfeit,
Oh, what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry
Everything to God in prayer!
Imagine a friend to whom you regularly bring grief, sin, burdens, trial, temptations, care, disappointment, but whose own griefs, trials, temptations, or burdens you never stop and consider. This is the kind of relationship you might have with a therapist, a journal, or confessor, but it’s not the love of friendship. This hymn is capturing something important about the invitation to pray in the midst of difficulties, trials, temptations, and other desolations. This is valuable. But is it friendship?
As we prepare for Holy Week reading the gospels with fresh perspective. Try imaging yourself in the scenes as Jesus’ friend, one whose concern is for Jesus’ wellbeing. Pay attention to whatever feelings come up for you. Use these as a way of empathizing with Jesus, deepening your friendship with him.