Beyond Pheromones - Love in the Christian Tradition
The moment I first held my daughter I had an overwhelming physical sensation of attachment, care, and protectiveness. I knew, in that moment, that I would endure any cost, bear any burden, and absorb any threat in protection and provision of this little life. Few experiences have matched this in terms of emotional commitment. My friend Larry, an older man whose wisdom has been father like, said, “you never know how deeply you can love another until you meet and bond with your child for the first time.”
Still, love confuses me. How much of that overwhelming sense of connection and protection I felt for my daughter was the simple pheromonal attachment response developed between primates? Is love a simple biochemical condition, or is there more to it? Loving my daughter as a baby meant sheltering, feeding, cleaning, and carrying her. As she prepares to leave for college, I do none of these, directly anyway. At some point soon the most loving thing I’ll be able to do for her is to let her struggle, fail, and build attachments of her own.
Is love holding close, or is it letting go? The answer is, of course, both, but how do we know when to hold and when to release? If you’ve ever witnessed or experienced a helicopter parent, an enmeshed couple, or a controlling friend you know that holding close can be destructive. On the other hand, if you’ve ever felt completely on your own, or needlessly exposed to risk, you know how neglect can starve the soul.
In the Christian tradition to love is, "To will the good of another as other." This dense statement has 3 parts.
1. Will - Love is not primarily a feeling in Christian tradition, but an action of the will. As powerful as the pheromones of attraction and attachment are, they stop short of love. Love, thankfully, works with these emotions but also in spite of them. Anyone can love a cuddly newborn, it takes a conscious effort of will to love a colicky baby who hasn’t slept in 3 weeks, a moody adolescent, or a spouse whose needs and interests conflict with your own.
2. Good - In the Christian tradition goodness is a relational term of orientation. Assuming we were created for relationship with God and one another goodness is a word that denotes anything that points toward love of God and neighbor. For example, when we plumb the depths of the physical world and expand our collective understanding of reality, this knowledge is good. But, when we learn in order to exploit or dominate, to build wealth upon informational and technological inequities, or damage ecosystems, we are no longer doing good.
3. Other - Love assumes otherness, difference, and distinction. It does not homogenize, but respects difference and differentiation. It is only to the degree that I’m able to love my daughter according to her needs (not my own) that I love her in truth.
What comes to mind when you think of love?